Living in Alignment with your Values
Living in alignment with our values is seen by many as a radical act of self-compassion. But values can seem like an abstract concept at times. Like sure, I value honesty, but what does that mean in terms of my day-to-day behaviour? And what do I do when one of my values comes into conflict with another value, like kindness?
First, let’s start with a definition. Your values are the principles and qualities that matter most to you—they guide your decisions, shape your priorities, and influence how you want to live your life. For some of us, these are things we reflect on regularly and we make choices in life that reflect the things we truly value. For others, values might feel like something we were handed from someone else - we were told what we should think is important, even if it doesn’t really resonate. And for others, it may feel like we are moving through life without any sense of what matters most.
So, how do I know what my values are? Discovering your values is a process of self-reflection and exploration, so here’s a list of questions that can help guide you through the process:
1. Reflect on Meaningful Experiences
Think about moments when you felt truly fulfilled, content, grounded, or true to yourself. What was happening? What qualities or principles were present in those experiences?
Consider times when you felt upset or conflicted. What values might have been compromised in those moments?
2. Identify What Inspires You
Look at the people you admire and the qualities they embody. What about them resonates with you?
Reflect on causes or ideas that move you deeply, as these often reflect your core values.
3. Notice Patterns in Your Life
What activities, relationships, or environments make you feel most alive or authentic?
Are there recurring themes in your choices, passions, or frustrations that point to underlying values?
4. Consider Your Ideal Life
Imagine your ideal day or life. What qualities define it - freedom, connection, creativity, integrity?
Think about how you’d like to be remembered. What do you want people to say about you?
5. Use A Values List and PRIORITIZE
Use our values list and circle those that resonate with you.
Narrow your list by asking: Which of these feel most essential? What would I prioritize in difficult decisions?
Once you have identified some values that resonate for you (if you’re anything like us, it might be a long list), you might wonder well how do I know that these are truly my values and not just what somebody else told me I should find important? In many cases our values do reflect our context - for example our family, our friendship groups, or our broader social, spiritual, or political environment. Nevertheless, it’s an important question to ask. Distinguishing your authentic values from those you’ve internalized from others - but that don’t resonate for you - requires self-awareness and critical reflection.
Here are steps to help ensure your values truly belong to you:
1. Reflect on How You Feel About Your Values
Ask yourself: Do these values energize me and feel meaningful? Or do they feel like obligations or rules?
Authentic values often bring a sense of alignment and purpose, while external pressures can feel heavy or restrictive.
2. Consider the Origins of Your Beliefs
Trace your values back to their source. Were they instilled by parents, teachers, or societal norms?
Ask: Did I choose this value, or was it chosen for me?
3. Test Your Values Through Experience
Live according to a value for a period and notice how it feels. Do your actions resonate with your deeper sense of self, or do they create discomfort or dissonance?
Authentic values tend to align with your actions naturally, rather than feeling forced.
4. Explore Conflicts Between Your Values and External Expectations
Notice when a value conflicts with what others expect of you. How do you feel when you choose the value over the expectation?
True values often bring clarity and self-respect, even when they go against the grain.
5. Identify Your “Shoulds”
Write down any values you feel you “should” have (e.g., ambition, selflessness). Ask: Does this truly matter to me, or am I trying to meet someone else’s standards?
Replace “should” with “want” to see if the value still holds weight.
6. Pay Attention to Your Body’s Signals
Authentic values often bring a sense of ease or “rightness,” while imposed values may feel heavy, constrictive, or stressful.
Practice tuning into your body’s responses when reflecting on a value.
Navigating our values and aligning them with our lives is a deeply personal and dynamic process. To identify authentic values, we must reflect on what genuinely inspires and fulfills us, distinguishing between values that arise from within and those imposed by external influences. Asking questions about what gives our lives meaning, examining moments of pride or conflict, and noticing recurring themes in our decisions can help uncover what truly matters.
It’s also essential to evaluate whether our values energize us or feel like burdens—authentic values resonate deeply, while inherited ones often create dissonance. By taking the time to examine your values critically and with compassion, you can ensure they reflect your true self rather than the expectations or ideals of others. Remember, it’s okay to let go of values that no longer serve you. Growth often involves shedding inherited beliefs to make room for what truly matters.
What happens when one of my values conflicts with another value? Imagine a friend asks for your opinion on a creative project they’ve been working on for months. You value honesty, so you want to give them constructive feedback about areas where their work could improve. However, you also value kindness, and you’re aware that your friend is feeling vulnerable and might take critical feedback personally.
In this situation, your desire to be truthful conflicts with your intention to protect your friend’s feelings.
When values conflict, the challenge lies in balancing priorities and context. Recognizing the specific values in tension and considering their long-term implications can guide us in making decisions that align with our overarching goals. Creative problem-solving can allow us to honor multiple values simultaneously, but accepting trade-offs with self-compassion is equally important. Such conflicts can provide valuable lessons about what we prioritize and help us refine how we live our values, offering opportunities for growth and self-awareness. Here are some steps you can follow to help you resolve value conflicts:
1. Identify the Conflict Clearly
Name the values in conflict. For example, you might value both honesty and kindness, but struggle with how to balance them in a difficult conversation.
Write down each value and how it applies to the situation.
2. Reflect on Priorities in Context
Ask: Which value is more important in this specific situation? Your priorities may shift depending on the circumstances.
Consider the long-term impact of prioritizing one value over the other. Which choice aligns most with who you want to be?
3. Explore Creative Solutions
Look for ways to honor both values. For example, you might be both honest and kind by sharing feedback gently and with empathy.
Ask: How can I act in a way that respects both values, even if imperfectly?
4. Acknowledge Trade-Offs
Recognize that fully satisfying both values may not always be possible. Reflect on which value aligns more closely with your overarching goals or current needs.
Make peace with the compromise, knowing that value conflicts are part of life’s complexity.
5. Learn from the Experience
After making a decision, reflect on the outcome. Did your choice align with your sense of self? What would you do differently next time?
Value conflicts often teach us about what we truly prioritize and help us refine how we live our values.
8. Seek Support if Needed
Sometimes, talking through the conflict with a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist can bring fresh insights and clarity.
In the situation described above, resolving the values conflict might involve finding a balance—being honest while expressing your feedback with care and encouragement, such as highlighting what you genuinely appreciate about their work before sharing suggestions for improvement. This way, you honor both values, even if imperfectly.
Remember, value conflicts are an opportunity for growth. By navigating them thoughtfully and with self-compassion, you strengthen your ability to live authentically, even in the face of complexity.
